Modern Heathen

It's not something most people can see, but I suffer greatly from anxiety. Horribly so. I discount my own talents and abilities. I rehearse "what ifs". I fear poverty. I fear illness. I fear new undertakings. I cross my bridges before I come to them, and I've spent many a night lying awake, heart pounding, mind racing, over things that have turned out to be trifles. Or at least not very bad after all.

Years of living in my own head have to some degree inured me to it. It's like living in a house that makes noises in a high wind. After awhile, you realize that the house is still standing and is likely to stand in the future, no matter how much noise it may make in the meantime.

I find it's helpful to look deep within myself and "find" the core that's not afraid, that's not worrying, that's calm and well-prepared to meet the world. It's always there, even in my darkest moments. It's just a matter of bringing it out, and comforting the scared child side of myself, and not letting the scared child get the upper hand.

But, dealing with your own demons is so much better than the fears instilled in you by other people. One of my co-worker's is terrified of our boss. Oh, she's never said so, but it's obvious. He's an unreasonable asshole, and she is incapable of seeing this. Instead she drives herself crazy accomodating his requests. It's pitiful to watch.

I see her interacting with this person and her sad willingness to please and put herself out, and I see every scolded child, every collaborationist, every marytr mother that ever lived. Brrr. Makes my blood run cold to watch, as a Heathen and as a feminist.

I feel immeasurably blessed that my doubts and fears and worries are typically nothing more than myself fucking myself up. It's not very pleasant, but deep down, I know it's just a matter of gritting my teeth and working through it. Or spending some time being nice to myself and deep-breathing. Or else learning a new skill--learning how to swim reasonably well was a big confidence booster for me.

I think one of the most important lessons I learned from the Gods is that this is something I needed to work through on my own. But that it was okay, because I already had all the tools. It was just a matter of using them.

I once asked Frigga why she was so hard on me, when other people had perceived her as being very sympathetic. The response I got was, "Because you can take it". It was very liberating to learn that my problems weren't because I was weak, because I had always perceived myself as weak. My problems were because I was (am!) strong, but was unable to realize the fact. I still forget it for long periods of time, but happily I know people who can remind me.

These sorts of thoughts are so forbidden in the Heathen community. To hear us talk, you'd think we all were sunny, outward-looking, stalwart individuals. To talk about being insecure or depressed or anxious is horribly taboo.